I have been struggling with the thoughts behind this post. Before you read on know that it is difficult.
I am sandwiched between the old and the young. Parents aging and children reaching out for their own lives. I sit in the middle, feeling a bit helpless.
For my children, the process of letting go is hard. I’ve written about my youngest trails. In spite of their thrashing around, and my worries, I still have a very hopeful outlook. Actually the world is in front of them. The possibilities seem endless.
My oldest didn’t come home for Thanksgiving, which left a bit of a hole in our celebration. When I mentioned this to one of my student’s parents she said, I think God leaves a little hole in our lives so we can look forward and hope to fill it. That thought stuck with me. My children may have a few holes in their lives, but they can look forward to what those holes might contain some day. I have great hope for my kids and let go (eventually), knowing that it’s their job to work on filling the holes.
When I think of our parents, my husband’s and mine, the holes and hope become problematic. My parents have their issues. They struggle, yet thankfully they have each other and their independence. We saw them on Thanksgiving along with my brother’s family, and it was good. Now we’re thinking about the next holiday, and not thinking about how truly fragile my 87 and 94 year old parents are. They have their holes and some are impossible to fill, yet they compensate and keep going. God bless their resilience and relative good health.
We saw my in-laws on Friday. My father-in law’s health is in decline due to Parkinsons. He has fought it for years with various medicines. The meds have kept his life pretty good. Now he is at a point where he has to choose. Keep the meds that allow him to be physically mobile or the ones that keep him mentally acute — he can’t have both. The prospects are dimming, and possibilities are lessening. My mother-in-law’s spirit is so beat down it breaks my heart. And we, their children and grandchildren, watch the decline, feeling helpless. In this case, letting go has an entirely different connotation.
God leaves a little hole in our lives so we can look forward and hope to fill it. How does that work for them? How does it work for all of us in the end?
I hope to have someone to hold on to as well as grace, courage, and faith when my holes get bigger and possibilities become fewer. But who knows. So I’m going to keep filling up holes and hoping for something just around the corner. It won’t be what I left behind, but I will look on with the knowledge and often sweet memories of what was there. Perhaps, holding on to knowledge and memories is how to fill up those impossible holes — a gift for ourselves, our parents and children.
To Read To Write To Be 
Wow, Julianne. I can feel the power behind the words in this post. Your emotions about Thanksgiving, and not having your oldest there, pulled at my heart strings.
You and your husband have a lot on your proverbial plates now. I hope writing can be a source of strength as you work towards filling those holes.
SOL has provided so much support and strength for me. I can’t thank TWT enough for a place to share our worlds. Every week I am overwhelmed by what I read and how I feel after my Tuesday Slice.
Your writing touches my heart this morning. My parents are both gone already, and my daughter is overseas this holiday season. I thank God for other family members and wonderful friends who are filling those hole with hope and love!
Jaana,
It’s so hard, isn’t it? Difficult to come to terms with. I am so thankful for this place to share and listen.
You struck a deep chord in me with this post. My oldest was not home this Thanksgiving either but with her partner’s family, my parents (in their late eighties) live in London and are no longer able to travel. We are in the middle, my husband and I, connected to both generations with holes and hopes, too. We seem to feel this in an especially powerful way these days – letting go, holding on, trying to do the best we can. Thank you for writing today, Julianne, for it’s posts like this that make our community rich and relevant in our lives, not just on Tuesdays but every day.
Thank you Tara for adding so much to my life. I am struggling for answers here. The community of Slicers is just the place to reach out to. I am continually blown away with the posts I read and the responses I get. It helps to know we aren’t alone, someone else is on the same road.
I am sitting here feeling the pain you poured into this post. I don’t think holes ever get filled but with lots of loving support you learn to live with the landscape. The holes are what makes the landscape meaningful.
Haddon,
Thank you so much for your response. I love how you talk about “living with the landscape” and how “the holes make the landscape meaningful.” Those words help.
Those impossible holes. Such a heartfelt post.