“Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself.
An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were
before the world got its hands on you.”
– Emily Mc Dowell
A lot of people have been reflecting on a year ago. When everything changed. I’ve been doing the same.
Tonight, I looked back on what I was writing a year ago. I rarely revisit my journals or blog posts. Maybe because I’m afraid it will make no sense. Maybe because I’ll realize I keep going over the same things. Mostly because I’m afraid of what I might find. For all of those reasons I decided to look back.
In my journal, 2/11/20
If you move fast enough you can run from your issues. Trouble is, the older you get the slower you are. You can’t keep moving on because the places to move are fewer. You don’t have access. Or maybe the places you go are less obvious.
Life was about getting things done so I could get to the next thing. Life changed in March 2020 and the next thing wasn’t there.
Being home made me stay put with myself. Because there was no place to go, I did some serious nesting. Looking for what pleased me most. Discovering the joy in small items and practices. Things I had set aside for a time when I had time, started to resurface and require my attention.
Being home made me face a lot of what I was setting aside. Things I would deal with later, became what I did. My parents things I had put in boxes, became things I pass daily and notice the sun shinning on. Dishes I use. Things that were hard to see morphed into things that comfort.
Being at home made me discover home and more of myself. Things I had put into piles and had made things accessible to use, but not cherish.
I’m still hurrying to finish something in order to get to the next thing. I still look away from things I should consider. But being at home the last year has made me stay right where I am, a bit longer with myself.
8 thoughts on “being with myself”
Our talks have helped that “being with myself” a little easier. There is a calmness about this post. The rush to the next thing is not as obvious. We re-evaluate the importance of just being present.
I always think I want to be present in the moment, and I do, but sometimes it is either too uncomfortable or I’m too distracted. Walking and talking is a great way to stop all the buzz of the brain and the world.
Each year I make a book for myself with all of my march writings and I “publish it” via Shutterfly. I don’t often re-read my posts, but when I do, I’m so happy that I was able to capture those moments, feelings, memories. Glad you took a moment to re-read and reflect.
I wonder if the pandemic caused us to re-vision daily events whether in our notebooks or in our minds as we seemed to pull inward when the outside physical restrictions were imposed. I’m thinking about this “Or maybe the places you go are less obvious.”
This is a good one: “discover home and more of myself.”
I think it’s good for us to revisit our writing, but I think it can be hard. It takes some courage. It sounds like you were able to slow down a little and do some of these things. I can sense your appreciation for it in your reflection.
Yep! I rarely look back on what I write. So often the purpose of writing is in the moment.
I rarely look back at my writing either. For me, too, the purpose of writing often feels “in the moment” and it’s lost if I return. For one of my slices, I did look back to my notebook from March and April last year and I was astonished at how many interesting notes were there from webinars and reading. I do want to go back and reread to relearn. Everything you write here about settling into home, being unhurried, slowing down, being present resonates with me. Also a life journey for me, something I have to be intentionally returning to.